You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
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Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.