Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
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Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
WHO DID THIS?
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
They’re called werewolves.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?