Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
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Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit