[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
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All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.