ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
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Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”