They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
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Modded the new Gran Turismo
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
translated into Canadian
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore