Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
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cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting