“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
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“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
🖤✌🏽