As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
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Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.