[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
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At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet