Overindulged this afternoon.
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Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.