Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
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Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Wake me when AI does housework
Never be a pizza!
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.