The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
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He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
#Caturday
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.