NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
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My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.