Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
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Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
It do be feeling this way.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back