It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
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Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
A choir of Spring onions
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit