Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
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Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.