[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
You Might Also Like
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
is this a threat
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
me irl
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.