Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
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“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”