Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
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Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Wait a minute…
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
as is their right
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.