My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
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My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring