It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
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I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no