My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
You Might Also Like
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
A completely valid reaction tbh
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier