My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
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The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
only 11 steps left
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I enjoy a good short stor
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.