My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
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I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.