Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
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If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”