*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
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I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.