A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍