[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
You Might Also Like
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Just a reminder, folks:
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Shark week, but for squirrels.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
bury ourselves
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court