Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
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I like it thick and deep
Pizza
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
reminder
bout dat hot dog summer
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs