If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
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God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them