I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
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Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know