Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
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I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.