My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
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If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Guilty! 🤪
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.