Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
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ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Do not levitate over flowers
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Haha good job!!