It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
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Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.