Mornin
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2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.