My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
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Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
what’s more important?
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.