corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
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Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Stop being racist to kettles.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office