My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
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I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t