5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
You Might Also Like
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
#TopTip
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.