I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
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I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no