Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
You Might Also Like
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?