Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
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Good morning, Twitter x
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”