“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
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Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
My dating profile:
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Buck naked
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I only say stupid things when I talk.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.