I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
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Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once