Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
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Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
*names my little horse OneTrick*
this will hang in the louvre one day
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.