🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
You Might Also Like
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately