We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
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Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him