Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
You Might Also Like
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
So creative 😂
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Cow it started Cow it’s going
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager